Steward of Mysteries: 2009

I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

Transitions are hard, especially when they seem to drag on and on. I had to turn in my final paperwork for graduation, so I came back to my favorite place on earth. I was a little disheartened to find that I don't really fit here anymore.I don't seem to fit anywhere right now. I have come to realize that life goes on when you leave. My friends at home have moved on, and now my friends at school have moved on too. And here I am, floating around until I know what's next for me. It is an interesting place to be, that's for sure.

For the last 10 months I have slowly but surely been working on an application for the International Mission Board to be a Journeygirl. I have completed everything and have been waiting to hear if they will invite me to the February Candidate Conference. I am beside myself to announce that I recieved a letter saying that I am invited! I can't believe that I am finally to this point. I thought the day would never come. The rest of the story is still uncertain, and whether or not I will get to go is still uncertain. But it is more likely now than ever before.

I have been looking back, and I can't help but see how the Lord has been preparing me -and my family too. I went to Africa for the first time, and my heart was changed forever. I came home and all I could do was cry when I tried to explain it all. I still can't explain it, but it began a great passion for going overseas. I came to Lakeview, which just so happens to be extremely devoted to equipping and sending missionaries. Through discipleship, I came to know the Lord and His Word like never before. He brought about great healing in my life and prepared me to disciple others. I worked for missionaries at the coffee shop, and spent many days talking about their experiences. There has just been so many things.

So, though this transition has been a struggle... I am thankful for it. It is this feeling of not fitting in that makes it easier to go somewhere completely different. I would dare say, that my car wreck is also something the Lord has used to help me with this decision. My grandparents offered to buy me another Civic for graduation. I struggled with this for a a few weeks and was so convicted that I could not accept it, even though I really wanted to. I knew that there was a possiblity of me going overseas. The car would either sit and not be used, or it would become a temptation for me to stay here. I had to ask myself if I was really willing to give up the car. Yes, I am. I still think I am crazy for doing it... but I have been crazy for reasons far less worthy. The car issue also opened the doors for me to talk with my grandparents about the possiblity of going overseas. I love my grandparents very much, and I know they worry about me. I wanted to spare them the worry and not tell them until it was necessary. To be honest, I was nervous to tell them. However, they responded in a way that I did not expect. My parents and my brother and sister have been the same way. They are all very supportive of my decision! I was so worried they wouldn't be. I know that all of this is the Lord's doing!

Over and over, God has confirmed my desire. I am so excited about whatever is next for me. May I never despise hard transitions. Who knows what the Lord may be preparing me for?

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Ode to Elijah

They abandoned you and built their altar.
On the name of their god they called.
“O Baal! Answer us!” they shouted.
But their words on sleeping ears did fall.

“Come here to me! See what my God will do."
With stones I built an altar in your name.
"Answer me!" I cried, "So they will know you are God.
Turn their hearts back to you again."

Your fire rained down and consumed it all.
Your power was put on display.
The people fell to their faces and cried.
“The Lord –he is God” they did say.

In your name the false prophets I murdered,
so my own life was sought by the queen.
The clouds turned black; a struggle was coming.
My heart feared though your power I’d seen.

I fled in fear and was wearied by the journey,
but you strengthened me with food from your hand.
For forty days I traveled to find you. You said,
“Go out on the mountain and stand.”

The earth around me shattered and trembled.
I searched for your presence in vain.
The ground shook but I did not see you.
You were not in the fiery flame.

Following the chaos I found you;
a gentle whisper in my ear.
The glory and power of your Word
filled my heart with reverent fear.

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The Lord knows me...

My life is changing and it scares me. Am I equipped to do this on my own?

Soon, I will be leaving the people who know me. The people who know my quirks, who know what's important to me, who know what I like and don't like, and who know my struggles. I suppose there is a season for everything and loneliness is included.

I think the desire to be known is in the heart of every human, particularly the heart of a woman. Maybe that is where our insecurity comes from? Think about it, women were created for relationships. The very first woman was created from man and for man. While man is content to work, woman is content just to be with him. Her desire is the relationship. I think this entails friendships too. I know I cherish my close friends. I find great comfort in them. I often times depend on them.

During my dates with Jesus over the past few weeks, I have been reading Kings. Elijah spends much time alone. The enemy even tries to remind him of just how alone he is. God encourages Elijah though. He reminds him of the remnant that is still there. Just because they aren't in plain sight, doesn't mean they don't exist. Then God brings Elisha into his life. I am a big fan of Elisha. I imagine their friendship was very sweet. They walked together, served the Lord together, and encouraged one another. Eliljah helped equip Elisha for what the Lord was going to do through him. Then God took Elijah and Elisha was left alone.

Both of these great men of the faith had to walk alone. For a short while the Lord allowed them a companion, but not for long. Why would the Lord give and take away? It seems unfair to me. However, what would have happened if they had eachother all along? They would never have known what it was like to be completely dependent on the Lord. They wouldn't have understood that the Lord really is enough. It seems that in order to do great things for the Lord, sometimes you have to walk alone.

Looking through the flesh, this still seems unfair. I have invested four years of my life into my friends only for them to be stripped away from me. I know the truth though. My time spent here was sweet. I learned so much and was encouraged. Now I must walk alone in order to be completely dependant on the Lord; in order to do great things for him. Even though I can't completely understand, this is the Lord's kindness. He knows me and he desires that I know him because there is no greater pleasure.

Psalm 139:1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

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My Own Adventure

This is a picture book I wrote for one of my classes...

My Own Adventure

When I was little, I traveled all over the world. I went to the bottom of the ocean, climbed Mount Everest, and even lived in a tree house with the Swiss Family Robinson... in my imagination of course.

How I loved to dream. There was always a special place in my heart for adventures in faraway places. I dreamed of them all day long, but never imagined I would go on a real adventure. To my surprise, the most amazing thing happened.

A group from my church was planning a trip to Africa. I was graduating high school that year, and wanted to go for my graduation present. The trip was dangerous. What would my mother say? I was nervous, but I worked up enough courage to ask her. With a lump in my throat I said, “Mama?” She expected me to flood her ears with my imaginative plans just like I had a thousand times before. “I want to go to Africa.” I was serious this time and she could tell.

Time seemed to stop while I waited for her response. I was prepared to fall on my knees and beg, but she opened her lips and said the last thing I expected to hear. “Even before you were born I knew you would do great things.” She seemed hesitant, but knew she had to let me go. She put on a smile and said, “Africa sure is far away!”

After months of waiting, the day to leave finally arrived. I was excited, sad, afraid, and joyful all at the same time. I was not sure what to expect, but ready for the adventure. I hugged my mom tighter than ever before and boarded the airplane. I was on my way!

When the plane finally landed in Africa, it seemed like a dream. “Am I really here?” I thought. When we walked out of the airport, we were met by a colorful, friendly group of African women. They were dressed in brightly colored skirts and head dresses. “Habari!” they said, as they warmly welcomed us in Swahili. From my very first experience, I could tell life was different here. The people looked different, sounded different, and even smelled different.

Everything was different. People were everywhere! Their cars were so crowded that people seemed to bulge out of the windows. There were stands on the side of the road where people sold things. Men rode bicycles with sacks piled ten feet high on the back. Women effortlessly walked down the street with a baby strapped to their back and a container balanced perfectly on their head. I had never seen anything like it.

I saw many new and exciting things. I saw how zebras were created to blend in perfectly with tall grass. And when the sun begins to fade, it is hard to distinguish between a giraffe and a tall tree. I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. Shades of red and orange streaked across the sky and then seemed to melt away with the sun.

I saw beauty in the least likely of places, too. I saw it in the eyes of a child orphaned by disease. I saw it in the face of a woman whose wrinkles marked wisdom from years of struggle. I saw it in hands that were made rough from work and toil, yet were still tender enough to rock a baby.

We ran a medical clinic on the side of a busy street. People walked for miles just to see the doctor. While people waited in line, I was able to listen to women tell their stories. They had been through incredible hardships. They were grateful to have someone come and help them. I saw and heard things I could not begin to explain.

My favorite part was playing with the children that came to the clinic. Even though I did not speak their language, they were just like every child I have ever met. They loved to laugh and always wanted to play. A little boy named Augustino came and stayed at the clinic every day. He was an orphan. He slept wherever he could find shelter and did not always know when he would eat next. I gave him my water and crackers every morning.

These people had nothing to call their own. They were sick and hungry. Even still, they found reasons to laugh and smile. My adventure taught me many life’s lessons. I think the most important lesson is: No matter how hard things seem, beauty and joy can be found if you look for it.

The time to leave came before I was ready. “I still have so much to learn, and what about Augustino?” I thought, “Who will take care of him?” It was time to go home though, so I sadly said my goodbyes. I came back to America and life was just as I had left it. I had changed though.

I missed my family while I was gone, and was glad to be with them again. I did my best to share with them all that I had seen, but became very discouraged. I realized that photographs and stories could never fully describe what I saw. The only way anyone could ever truly understand, is if they went on an adventure of their own.

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4 years down... 7 months to go.

I made this little guy for my Elementary School Art class. I modeled him after a character in a children's picture book. He is made out of milk jugs, water bottles, and other random plastic things. Then I used tape, paper mache, and paint. Working off and on, it took me three months to finish. As cute as he is, I am glad to be done with him. I am glad to be done with Art class all together--as I think many people can understand!

I just finished my eighth semester of college! It is strange how quickly time passes. It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by, but I guess it has. I have loved being here and I will miss it dearly. As sad as endings are though, I am looking forward to whatever's next. Lord willing, I will move home in August, do student teaching, graduate in December, and then move overseas for two years. How exciting is that!?

For now... I need to go clean my room. It's a mess.

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